Note: never be so freakishly close to prospective purchases–especially produce. Would you want to have snot as a mango condiment?
Having worked in the glorious world of retail for a good while now, I’ve learned a lot about the human person. On one hand, I’ve learned the value of friendship and courage from those likewise employed people manning the front-lines; on the other hand, I’ve dreaded, fake-smiled, and gritted my teeth through the war cries of horrible mutant monsters known as customers. In fact, it can be the people served eight hours a day that makes one despise his entire job and more than likely his existence as well. Why? Because, dear reader, retail was our first foray into the job market as working people, and as such, we never expected to realize that such a large population of the earth that decided to spend its income on groceries were idiots. Absolutely idiots.
However, fear not! You don’t have to be that douche who decides to pay a $20 order in change (please, consider others before you do this!). You can, with a little guidance, help those poor souls out who are spending their Purgatory on earth by making minimum wage to stock your fridge. If you do so, you’ll be a better human being, we’ll be nicer, and the world will be a happier place abundant with rainbows, flowers, and puppy dog tails to spare. Eh, who am I kidding? That’s baloney. But seriously, pay attention.
1. Have a payment method ready at check out.
You come into the store for only one purpose: to buy shit and get out. Please, please, please have your debit card, credit card, EBT card, library card, etc. ready to present the cashier at the register. If not some form of electronic payment, hopefully some sort of cash. When you forget your wallet or purse at the point of purchase and do the “Oops! Gonna have to go out to the car!” move, we have to wait, the other customers have to wait, and I have to deal with them after you. They aren’t going to be happy, and my mental health declines rapidly thereafter. So, have something. Hell, even Monopoly money would work, insomuch that I only have to talk to you for 30 seconds.
2. Know how much money is on your EBT card.
Hey, I get it. Times are tough. You need to use those SNAP benefits. But since my tax dollars are helping you get food, the least you could do is keep track of how much money you have in your account. It’s pretty much like a regular bank account, you know: you have a certain amount of money in it, and when it’s gone, don’t expect to be able to buy things. Akin to the first thing on this list, it’s annoying to have to tell you for the umpteenth time that you don’t have the funds on your EBT card and you hop out the store to search for more money to complete the order. Perhaps if you didn’t buy an irresponsible 1500 pounds of chicken or t-bone steak with your government benefits, you could make sense of what those receipts actually mean.
3. Refrain from keeping money in boobage or genitals.
Again, think of the method of payment you have. Consider where you keep it. Perhaps you’ve just went jogging in the park and have stopped by our store to get a Gatorade. Cool. Don’t pull some “I shoved my Andrew Jackson down my butt crack, because people noticed that he usually went into my bra somewhere.” It’s sweaty, nasty, and stinky. Do you think I want to touch that? No. Invest in a wallet today!
4. Put things back where they belong.
Simple: if you wanted something, but rolled with it in your cart to mull it over and don’t want it, please go put it back. We’re a business here. It’s common courtesy. So no lunchmeat in the sock aisle please. That’s insulting.
5. Don’t ask how “fresh” food is…
Because probably at one time it was frozen. Especially in the bakery or deli. Those donuts and fried chicken have been in a semi-arctic state for quite some time, and we thaw it and do final preparations. Nothing is made from scratch anymore, I wish it were, but it would take a helluva lot more time than the company gives us to work, and they’d have to pay much more for me to consider it. If you want things to be like in the “good ole days” you can find some 1-800 number to call, thanks.
6. Realize that “the back” doesn’t exist.
Did you stroll into our establishment to find those hot sales items in the ad? Groovy. Welcome. But if we say we’re out of them? We’re out. We’re not lying. For the sake of God, his angels and saints, and all that is holy, don’t ask “Is there more in the back?” The “back” is not like the Wardrobe in the Chronicles of Narnia. I can’t just open a door and make a magical world appear with whatever item you want growing on a tree. In reality, yes, we do have a stock room at the end of the store. But it’s very small because our focus is getting seventy five percent of product out on the shelves. Have faith in your employees, folks–we’re too miserable to tell you anything but the truth.
7. Say thank you.
I don’t care if the service was mediocre, or so-and-so rolled his eyes at you. Not every trip for milk and eggs is going to be a “Let me wipe your ass!” experience. That being said, take into account that whomever you ask for help, that manager, cashier, stock boy, janitor, and food worker has seen at least a hundred assholes today who yelled at him over the price of some fruit that they can’t control. Be that light in the dark tunnel. Smile. Thank them. True, you may not always get a wholehearted response, but you rest assured that one ounce of sincerity on your part is very effective indeed. You could very well save a life.
There are many, many more things that you could do. Most of them cases of things not to do. I’m sure just in going shopping you see them in action. I plan on writing a sitcom about the retail world someday because I have countless stories about this lifestyle that need to be shared. You may see them on this blog before you see them on television. Keep your eyes peeled! This stuff is important. Little by little, we change our “gimme” attitudes into genuine service and gratitude. Above all, we all live. Sure, we do this retail silliness for money. But our lives matter. And so do yours. Let’s start acting like it, huh?
The Rowdy Hobbit 